


Mist

by ctbn60



Category: Metallica
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-08
Updated: 2010-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-07 03:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctbn60/pseuds/ctbn60
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Lyric challenge short Tallific.. no more than 4 pages based on these lyrics - or your interpretation of them....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mist

Title: Mist 1/1

Author: ctbn60

Rating: NC-17  Implied slash

Warning: Character deaths.

Type of story: A Lyric challenge short Tallific.. no more than 4 pages based on these lyrics - or your interpretation of them....

Disclaimer: As we all know this never happened! Got that? It is not based on reality in any way shape or form, and if you think it is you need some help.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Nebel

By Rammstein

 
    
    
    They stand with their arms tightly around each other
    
    
    A mixture of flesh, so rich in days
    
    
    Where the sea touches the land
    
    
    He wants to tell him the truth
    
    
      
    But the wind eats his words
    
    
    Where the sea ends
    
    
    He holds his hand, trembling
    
    
    And kissed him on the forehead
    
    
      
    He carries the evening in his chest
    
    
    And knows that he must wither away
    
    
    He lays his head in his lap
    
    
    And asks for a last kiss
    
    
      
    And then he kissed him
    
    
    Where the sea ends
    
    
    His lips, delicate and pale
    
    
    And his eyes tear up
    
    
      
    The last kiss
    
    
    Was so long ago
    
    
    The last kiss

He does not remember it anymore

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Had he really been on this earth for sixty-eight years? Time passed so fucking quickly as he got older. James sat on his deck overlooking his land. It was all his. He had worked hard for it, and now it would be his family's. Acres and acres set aside for the Hetfield clan to enjoy for generations. It made him smile to think his great-great grandchildren would one day be running through these hills, hunting and fishing. This was his legacy, a strong happy family. He had sworn it would be that way one day. His 'mark' he could leave on this world. He kept that promise he had made all those years ago and the years had been good to him. He had been graced with six children and already had five grandchildren. Fran had stuck by him through the good times, and bad. He was lucky; most women would have left him after the first affair, after he put Metallica first for all those years.

 

He had everything a man could ask for, family, friends and wealth. He was loved. Yet there was something that burned within him. Deep down he knew he didn’t deserve any of that happiness -- or the love. He had let down someone so dear to him, all for the sake of his pride. He put his wants and needs ahead of the only person who actually knew him and accepted him for who he really was. He had forsaken the chance at happiness long ago.

 

Had it really been almost forty five years?

 

The sky was so blue that day and clear just as it is now. The air was sweet and heavy. It reminded him of that day on the beach. A harsh wind blew, just as it did today. A storm was coming...they could both feel it as they stood near the water's edge. He thought about that time so long ago as he watched his grandchildren running and playing in the yard. Their screams and chatter ringing in his ears, their voices' singing across the air reminded him of Lars. James rubbed absentmindedly at the pain in his neck and smiled a bittersweet smile.

 

Why couldn’t he be man enough to tell him? All those years ago, time lost and wasted. He would never forgive himself. The emotion overtook him and he sobbed softly, his heart clenched at the thought of what he had denied them both. He had regretted it immediately after it happened. But he wasn’t the strong one, never strong. In reality, he knew deep down, he never would be strong enough to say what he should have said.

 

Some things from that day were so clear to him. He remembered looking down and closing himself off. He remembered wanting to give, needing to give. He knew he leaned down gently and kissed him. Still lost in the darkness of his memories, the kiss...he wanted to remember the warmth of those lips, the sweetness and the taste. What it felt like to hold him in his arms, his scent, but it was so long ago...too many days past, too many things forgotten. Too many memories to haunt him.

 

Then, finally, he remembered being unable to give what he wanted to. After they had kissed -- instead of taking what was offered, he had just walked away, and just before they broke apart, he could remember the look in those clear green eyes as they clouded over so quickly with pain. Yet he still left him standing there, alone and broken. As he walked away, the skies had opened and the cold cutting rain had started. It chilled him, cutting into his flesh as it fell between them. It cut into his soul, leaving part of him behind on that island forever.

 

Once again, like so long ago, the tears came to this broken man. James pulled off his sunglasses and swiped at them with the back of his hand.

 

Still lost in his memories, he realized he had been lucky again. Most men don't even get one chance to make things right. He had a second one. He could have made it right. Been man enough to admit his feelings, been honest and strong enough for them both, but it was once again...too late. Two chances -- the first fuck up he could blame on misguided youth, foolishness of being young, and the promise. It would have been easy to use that in order to wipe his blame away. But what would have been his excuse now?

 

Why the fuck was he so special? What did he do to have been so fuckin' lucky? Or was it only some cruel trick by some almighty fucking being just so he could fuck up again?

 

Be a man. Not a coward.

 

Take control? Instead of hiding.

 

Do what's right!  Forget the promise.

 

Cancer had once again claimed another that he loved. There wasn’t anything ‘they’ could do for him.

 

He could have. Those words haunted him for a lifetime.

 

Instead, he had just held him tightly as the pain grew worse, as the ravaged body shriveled and grew weak. He had rocked him soothingly, singing "Nothing Else Matters" to him.  He had sung it soft and low in that tiny, perfect ear. He saw the hint of a smile as he teased him about being tone deaf as Lars started to hum along with the tune.

 

James had brushed the hair from the shallow and sunken cheek, smiling, always smiling. He still remembered vividly the pale skin and bluish lips. Running his fingers across them...trying to etch them in his mind forever.

 

He had told himself this was enough, being there was all that mattered. The life ebbed from his friend, as he held him he had his chance once again, but James just couldn’t bring the words past his lips.

 

Three words that stuck in his throat as he rocked and shook until ever fiber of his being cried out at his cowardliness. Until they finally burst forward along with all the pain, suffering, and regret, but it was too late. The bright light he held in his arms had already dimmed. The tiny body growing cold. It was too late.

 

Once the light had gone out, he was paralyzed--unable to think or breathe. It had been two days before anyone found them at Lars' home. He wouldn't let them take him. Kirk had to finally pry him away, promising that the body wouldn't be left alone, but it was still too late. Always too late.

 

Now, very soon it would be too late for him. James rubbed at his shoulder and struggled to take in a breath. He squinted and felt a chill as the sun started to fade into the horizon. Yes, it was really beautiful here. He was lucky.

 

“Penny for your thoughts.” James was startled as the voice drew him firmly back to the present.

 

“Hmmm, ah...what are you doin’ here, Quirk?” James' tone was harsh. He would rather be alone right now.

 

Kirk sat down next to James on the hardwood bench and handed him a beer. “Fran said you’d been acting kind of strange lately. Feeling a bit down? She's worried about you.”

 

“It’s just the time of year. Fall coming does that to me.”

 

“Today being the thirtieth anniversary of his death has nothing to do with it?’

 

James sniffed, wiping at his nose, trying to hide the evidence of his weakness from Kirk. Behind his sunglasses he blinked away the tears in his eyes. “You would have to bring that up, dick.”

 

“I miss him. Thought you might like to talk about him a bit. I know it makes me feel better.”

 

James finally relaxed a bit as Kirk leaned over and rubbed at his tense shoulders. He missed the closeness of having someone he trusted so much touching him, caring for him.

 

James took a swig of beer. “Won’t help anything.”

 

“You know it may make you feel better to actually say the words out loud to someone else.”

 

James turned harshly to look at him. “What the fuck are you talking about, Kirk?”

 

“Why don’t you tell me how you felt about him? I think you’ll feel better.” Kirk put his hand on James' leg and squeezed his thigh gently.

 

“He was like a brother to me. I loved him.”

 

“Fuck that crap, James. Tell me...tell him how you really 'feel' before it’s too late again.” Kirk threw his bottle against the deck, and it shattered, startling James into realizing for the first time that they were alone. The children were gone and everything was quiet.

 

“Where is everyone?”

 

Kirk softened his voice. “They took the children for some ice cream so we could be alone and talk a bit.”

 

“How’s Jase?”

 

“Avoiding the issue again, James? Jason is fine, sends his love. His daughter's having a baby this week. He’s really excited. It’s his first grandchild.”

 

“Tell him congratulations for me will ya?”

 

“Why don’t you tell him yourself? Or are you gonna let it be too late for that too?” Kirk handed James his cell phone, number already dialed and ringing.

 

James stared at it blankly till he heard a familiar voice coming from the phone. “Hello? Kirk is that you man?”

 

“Jase? No. It's...man, it’s me, James. I...uh huh...Kirk’s here. I just wanted to say congratulations on Cindy being pregnant and all. You’ll make one hell of a grandfather. Just don’t scare the baby with those faces you make. Yeah -- I miss you too Jase. I'm sorry for a lot of things that happened between us...and. Okay I'll hold." James smiled at Kirk. "He's got another call." Kirk nodded, and James turned back to the phone. "That's great news! Congratulations. I'll tell him. No go on, I understand. Sure, I'd like to get together next week -- we do need to talk some more. Okay, sounds good. I'll call you tomorrow. I will. I’ll give Fran and the kids your love.  Yeah, you too. Bye.”

 

“Feel better, James?”

 

James sighed and rubbed across his chest. “Hey it's a start. I'm glad I got to talk to him. Thanks! He had to go. Cindy's husband was calling about the baby. He has a grandson, baby's name is James Evan Daniels.”

 

“That's fucking great. I'll give him a call tomorrow. Now you have one more to take care of.”

 

James took off his sunglasses and nodded. They sat there in silence for a while then finally he spoke. “I loved him you know. I mean, I was 'in' love with him. I still love him.”

 

“I know, and so did he. He just needed to hear you say it, even if it was only once.”

 

“I couldn’t.”

 

“What were you afraid of?”

 

“I couldn’t accept it. Couldn’t give into the fear. Loving him meant losing a large part of myself and I just couldn’t let go. I had made a promise to my mom. I promised to have a family, be happy, and make a legacy for them. It was all the things she couldn't give me." James sobbed finally letting the tears flow, after a minute he continued. "I promised, but don't be fooled, I wanted a family, needed children, it was important to me too. Then there was the persona that people thought I was. I had to try and live up to that.”

 

“There could have been ways around that. You could have given him half of you. He would have accepted that.”

 

James shook his head. “No! With him it would have to have been all or nothing. That is part of who I am Kirk. It would have to have been a hundred percent commitment on my part. That's what he deserved. I was weak. I just couldn’t give him everything. I was afraid. I couldn't admit what I was, or what I 'really' wanted. I couldn't tell the world I was gay and that I loved him.” James hung his head and slouched against the back of the chair. Kirk pulled him close and hugged him.

 

“You’ve said it now, baby, that’s all that matters. I know he’s finally heard you.”

 

James sucked in his breath at the burning pain searing across his chest. The doctors had told him it wouldn’t be long.

 

'Nothing they could do.'

 

When he heard those words again, his first thought hadn't been about Fran, or the kids, or the grandkids. He had wondered if there was an afterlife. 

 

Would he see Lars again and could he fix things? Three chances in a lifetime, would he be that lucky?

 

He leaned forward pulling away from Kirk.

 

 “I love you, Lars. I’m sorry!" James shouted, his words echoing around the woods. Fuck. When did it get so damn cold?

 

He felt Kirk shift and take hold of him. He eased him back into his warm embrace. James finally relaxed a bit. It was cold again and he was feeling a bit numb. "Do you think he heard me, Kirk?”

 

“I'm sure he did. He loved you and he knows, baby. You can let go now.”

 

James nodded and moved into Kirk's warmth. “I want you to know, I love you too, Quirk. You’ve been a good friend. Held us together more times then I can count, and you never complained when I bitched and moaned at you. You're more than a friend. I want you to know you're family. Thank you.”

 

He looked into Kirk’s face and saw the tears streaming down his cheeks and reached up to wipe them away.  James' attention was suddenly pulled away, he saw someone standing behind them, as he looked past Kirk.  He could see Lars standing there in the distance smiling like he was waiting for him.  James pulled free of Kirk’s arms and headed toward Lars. There was no pain.

 

He couldn’t believe he was getting another chance. “I love you, Lars.”

 

Lars smiled.

 

For once, he wasn’t too late.

 

“He loves you too, baby,” Kirk said softly as he felt James’ body go limp against his, felt the warm rush of final breath leaving his friend's body against his neck. Kirk saw the tears falling on James' arm and he swallowed the lump in his throat as he cradled James in his arms. “I know that the both of you are together now. You can finally be happy and find the love you both deserved in this life but were too afraid to accept. Don't mess it up this time, or when it's my turn I'll be there to kick both your butts. This time take the chance.” Kirk leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on James' lips.

 

He just sat there, rocking James back and forth. For the first time he finally understood the need James had the day that Lars had died. The need to hold onto part of his past, and never let it go. He hoped the others wouldn't be returning for a while.

 

~Fin~


End file.
